I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
