pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
