i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
