Girls should come with a carfax report
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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