If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
