I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
