Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
