He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize