I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
