Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
40s are totally the cure
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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