the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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