I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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