wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
