Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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