i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
