I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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