dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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