i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
