Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
