I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
a search helicopter?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
