i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
