I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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