Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
