wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
