just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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