I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
