did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
