Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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