Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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