I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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