My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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