How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
