saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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