Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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