Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
