some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
