After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
