oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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