the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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