when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
