Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
