you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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