so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
