i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize