When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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