Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
