hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize