my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
