Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
