got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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