I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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