I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
