we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
