We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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