i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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