he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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