we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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