If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize