I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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