I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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