she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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