her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
